have so much to do tomorrow. doctors, webelos, school, valentine boxes, laundry, clean house, etc. i don't mind really. i would much rather be home and take care of things than go to work. dennis has been such a crab the past couple of days I feel like telling him i got called in and then just spend the day out so I don't have to put up with the drama/whine. hmmmm....won't do that, but sometimes i think about it. i love him...i do love him. why is he the only one that makes me feel crazy psycho inside? i actually wish i could spend more good time with him, but it just seems to spiral downward to outright hostility. we'll work it out though. i know we will.

I absolutely love my children!!! Sometimes I am so tired and don't know how I am going to get it all done (and lots of times I don't) but the desire to try is there so that I can make my kids happy. Tonight, I helped Madelaine with a project she had tried to make for weeks now...first one fell apart when she painted, the second one the glue would not dry and instead kinda ate the cardboard, the third clay wouldn't dry and so cardboard just fell over, and so finally we used hot glue (duh!!!!) and it is fine and she painted and created this latin villa for her class. BUT...she kinda got lazy at the end and so I helped her put the finishing touches on...just wanted to take the stress off of her. After she went to bed I made the roof that she had decided not to make and hope she will be happy about that. Well, the point of that is that I actually didn't think she deserved my help, but in the end I just wanted her to be happy...and less stressed out so I gave in. Am I enabling her to goof off? Will she do it again? Probably...but if I made her happy tonight I am okay with that. I don't remember anything about being her age, except my father was killed. I want to be a good mom for her and help her through these tough years. I often say things bluntly and rudely because that is the way I am.....but I love her so much and I hope she knows that. How proud I am of her. She is a bright example of Christs love to me. Her faith humbles me and I hope that I can be like her when I grow up.

Hanna lost her first 2 teeth tonight. Actually lost is not the right word....she has been nursing along these 2 bottom teeth for weeks now. Very loose, lean over....but she was terrified of me taking them out....so I was letting her work on them---except she wasn't really. The last few days she won't eat anything and tells me her teeth hurt to bite....so tonight I took her and in a scene right out of the exorcist, I took her teeth out. The one tooth was leaning in its spot....had to be painful, but the fear of me taking them was more. She hyperventilated, bit my finger, bit her lip, almost broke Madelaine's nose.....it was crazy. She was so proud afterward!!! She was exhausted!! We decided that since it was so late that tomorrow she would write a letter to the tooth fairy and put it under her pillow then. Tonight they are in my ring box just waiting. (I didn't have any money!!! lol) But again, I was so worried about her swallowing that tooth or how she wasn't eating because her mouth hurt...so I decided to take them. I felt so guilty because she had a full on anxiety/panic attack, but I know I did the right thing. She just hugged and kissed me afterward. Isn't it amazing the love of a child. I told her I was sorry but I was worried about her and she just told me "I know mommy". So sweet. She did tell me that it hurt as bad as she thought it would. But now she is happy because she is going to tell Kelsey (the boy she is obsessed with) that she lost her teeth and that she screamed bloody murder while it happened (her words).

I guess all I really want to say is that sometimes I feel like a failure in the whole "lds---relief society---charity thing", but then I look at my kids and see what making them happy and helping them does for them. I may not get passed my door very often, but somehow I don't think that is always a bad thing.

Noah just wants comfort and understanding from me. He wants to be able to let down his guard and have me protect him from the pain. I try so hard...and if arms and kisses could cure him then he would be pain free. Happiness comes for him when I let him be a normal kid and help him forget his limitations.

And Lily just wants to be loved and read to. She tells me constantly that she loves me more than anyone else in the whole world and with the look in her eyes and the hand in mine....I believe her...and so the circle is complete...she has made me happy.
I absolutely love my kids!!!

what a wonderful day

So tickled with my little boy today. He was chosen as one 3 5th graders to attend a math competition this weekend. He placed 2nd in 5th grade math concepts and 4th place in 5th grade problem solving. This contest is held annually and appears to be very prestigious. He competed against about 60 other 5th graders and came in 2nd place and 4th place...beating out even his own teammates.
I guess I am tickled the most cause he was very nervous and unsure of himself....and he came out on top. Yeah Noah!!!! What he doesn't know is that I am just tickled that he even got to go. The fact that he accepted and tried hard is important to me. I won't deny that I LOVE the fact that he placed and brought home trophies, but that wasn't necessary.
I am constantly amazed by how marvelous my kids are and how smart they are....even when we argue and such over daily angsts....I am so happy that they are mine and we are struggling through the hard times and celebrating the good times together.
I love them all very much.

feeling like something is gone or maybe it was never here?

Just a look in your eyes again
Just to lay in your arms
Just to be the first one always there for you
Just to live in your laughter
Just to sing in your heart
Just to be everyone of your dreams come true

Just to sit by your window
Just to touch in the night
Just to offer a prayer each day for you
Just to long for your kisses
Just to dream of your sighs
Just to know that I’d give my life for you

For you for the rest of my life
For you all the best of my life
For you alone, only for you

Just to wake up each morning
Just to you by my side
Just to know that you’re never really far away
Just a reason for living
Just to say I adore
Just to know that you’re here in my heart to stay

For you for the rest of my life
For you all the best of my life
For you alone, only for you

Just the words of a love song
Just the beat of my heart
Just the pledge of my life, my love, for you

Words and music by john denver

to watch and listen go to:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dVwhZ5GN_E

down

i try so hard to put on a front for everyone
i feel myself spiralling downward even as i try to hold on
i want to be happy i want to have joy
why is that so hard
why is that so hard